Recognizing God's voice in my life

So today we talked more about recognizing God's voice and Jen (my DTS leader) had us do this little activity. She sent us to go be alone and ask God these two questions: who am I to YOU and who are YOU to me? So I pictured a place we could meet. I met the man called Jesus in a small rowboat in a pond. I asked Him the first question and He smiled with a twinkle in His eye. Slowly He responded with these three things: "You are a child I DELIGHT in, the plant I want to see grow and free, and the water/river that I want to shape and lead." So, then I asked Him the second question and He answered.
"Well, you tell me. Who am I to you? Who have I been to you in the past?"
And so I wrote down these names that He has been to me in the past:
The Lion
The Vulnerable
The Rescuer
My Lover
The Steadfast
The Mourner
The Sacrifice
The Farmer
The Healer
The Challenger
The Boy


Then He revealed these names that He said he would show Himself as in this season (probably more as well I'm guessing):
The Broken
The Surgeon
The Sculptor
The Restorer


With Him as the Broken He wants to show me His heart that breaks for the pain of all people and He wants me to share in His heart for them.
With Him as the Surgeon He will be cutting some things out of my life and heart and it will be pretty painful but its the best for me in the end.
With Him as the Sculptor, He will shape me into what He had created and designed me to be.
And with Him as the Restorer He will restore land, people, and hearts back to Him.

Revelation

Today was our first day of worship and intercession. It was a little different for me and I felt awkward most of the time. But something a little crazy happened. First staff members, when led, were supposed to come to us students and pray over us or give us a word of the Lord. One lady came for me and it was a great prayer and I appreciated her stepping forward. But I still don't really remember what she was trying to tell me. Well, I thought I was done then, but then Micah came to me. She kept saying she wasn't sure if this fit me but she felt the Lord told her to tell me that I have the gift of touch. That I need to touch people and may have the gift of touching to heal. I was shocked. But here's what shocked me the most: not that I think I can heal physically, because I'm still not sure that's a gift he's given me but that I may be able to heal spiritually or emotionally with touch. This is all ironic and mind boggling because I'm afraid of touch. I DESIRE it so much to give to others but I've always struggled in this area. So what does it all mean? 

Father, please make it clear in my mind what You are trying to reveal.

50th Anniversary of YWAM in Denver

So for the first two days of my YWAM DTS(Discipleship Training School) we went to Denver to the 50th Anniversary of YWAM with Darlene and Loren Cunningham (the founders of YWAM) as our speakers. It was so wonderful to start out our DTS this way because I feel like it prepared us even more for what has happened so far and what is still to come.


Here's what I felt Gd was speaking to me and convicting:
two things I really want to learn or grow from this DTS is Obedience and to grow my Faith. Also, I felt very convicted that I have become very proud and "God opposes the proud (James 4:6)." Maybe that's another reason I've felt like my spiritual relationship has been suffering. I keep praying for humbleness and to be humbled but I don't know how to act on it. Or what if God presents opportunities for me to be humbled and I don't hear it or listen? I feel like I'm such a slow learner too, even in life. Also, with the pride thing, I felt Him saying that I'm not special. Now I know that sounds terrible but its really not. What I mean is that I always wanted to feel special and noticed by others. For example: being noticed for having a heart and passion for sex trafficking victims. Well, here's the thing. There are TONS of people that have been led to work in this area. For some reason I hate knowing that though. But really, its perfect because trafficking is such a problem that God will be able to use as many workers that are willing. I just have my little part to play in it all. But in the end isn't that just wonderful? I mean, knowing and believing that concept means that you have truly grasped the Kingdom.

Phoenix Airport

7/22/10
My flight has been delayed an hour now and I'm still in Phoenix. I can barely keep my eyes open--I've only slept probably six hours in the last 48 hours. But I need to stay awake now so I don't miss my flight. God is so good to me. He blessed me again with having Kaitlyn fly halfway with me. It's been really good with her today because we've gotten to know each other more. She's a lot of fun to be around and she made me feel WAY comfortable today at the airport. But I just wish I could be home. I go back and forth: two weeks is really not that long to not see someone but I still missed the family a lot. Oh if only time could go any faster!

The Airport in Cambodia

7/21/10
Lots of thoughts are running through my head. It's like I can't wait to get home but I'm already in a state of mourning, leaving here. I just wish I could be alone to cry. I need to let all this pent up emotion out. I almost lost it a couple of minutes ago here in the airport but I tried to hold back. Also, lots of thoughts about my long term future keep bogging my mind. Where are you taking me Lord? This was my first international missions trip and I absolutely love this place! But it was also the same feeling last summer during a missions trip in Canada. Except this one is more intense. Anyway, it makes me wonder if I'll always love these different places around the world. Is this a confirmation that I'm to do missions?
God are you fulfilling my dream of working with youth AND missions? Or is this my own desire getting in the way again? I am so curious to see where You will be leading me in the future. If I'll ever get married or if I do full time ministry, ALL the time. Personally, I'm for either one. But I'm glad You know, Lord, what will happen. I don't know what's up with me and all these questions. I guess the ledge I'm jumping off of is just getting closer and closer...

Traveling Day

7/20/10
Traveling. That pretty much sums up the entire day. We traveled again by bus back to our original city that we first flew into. It was a six hour bus ride but it was good. I LOVE traveling in a moving vehicle. I tend to talk to God there more than anywhere else. So I listened to some great worship music and also I've been reading this really interesting book about hearing the voice of God. I'm really interested and excited to see what YWAM will teach me in this area.
Side note and funny moment of the day: sitting in the back of the bus, I escaped death by an avalanche of suitcases. Too funny!
Also, tonight we had a very good long debriefing session that helped us process some more and be honest about struggles still going on or triumphs of the heart. Also, we went around the room saying five good things or memories of each person on the team. I think it brought us all closer again.

One question Mike asked us to journal about though was one of the hardest things we went through on this trip. I would have to say mine is something I am still struggling with thoughts about. I never really connected with any specific girl at RH. I met lots of different girls everyday and talked to some but I always ended up being alone every night when we said goodbye. I didn't leave any lasting impressions at RH and that really kills me. I mean there's my one girl who I love and think about a ton but I know she wasn't that attached to me. It's like I try to make up in my head that she really did love me back and that she'll think about me a lot too but I don't really know that this will happen. There's a chance because I gave her a picture of me when she asked for it and I wrote her note. But in some ways it breaks my heart to think that I didn't do anything at RH. Now the question is, is that a legitimate response to not being close to the girls or is this the enemy's lie? Right now I'm not sure if I know the difference...

Little RH and Angkor Wat

7/19/10
Today was a tourist day. But this morning we spent at the little RH. I gave my devo for the staff and some girls this morning. It went okay... just a few translation problems:p Then we hung out with a few girls for just a little bit and then we had to say goodbye for the last time. It was really weird. I was just getting to know them! In some ways, I like this RH better because its smaller and they have a lot ahead of them still. The only occupational training they have right now at this location is handmade silk scarves. And they are learning english from an American woman who has lived here learning the language for a year already and now will be committed to another two years if not longer. We got to hear her story as well and it was really great. I keep asking God if I will be next. If I will one day soon be in Cambodia with a three year commitment...He hasn't answered yet. Then later we drove for awhile and visited Angkor Wat. It was beautiful but I was sick-- physically and emotionally. I hate looking at all those empty temples worshipping a god that doesn't even exist. So, it wasn't the best. I'm just getting really tired and annoyed fast. I didn't come here to be a tourist and I hate myself when I act like one, buying tons of stuff I don't really need and just focusing WAY too much on myself. I feel like I've lost my purpose. I would rather be home than here as a tourist. At least at home, I know my purpose there will be to continue on the stories and lives I've come across here.

Day 7 at RH and departure for next site

7/18/10
Today was a FULL day. This morning we had church at RH. Crazy enough there was a YWAM team from Montana and their leader was a friend of my older sister's. Creepy how I keep running into these YWAMers. Anyway, after church we had to say goodbye to the girls. I wrote my girl a note but I couldn't find her for the longest time. At the last moment I saw her walking away from the bus by herself. I went after her and she gave me lots of hugs. Neither her nor I cried though. When I let go and got on the bus, I watched her from the window and she and I kept doing silly hand signals like making hearts with our hands. She just kept making me laugh! Funny thing is, I don't think she was as attached to me as I was to her. Later we took a three hour bus ride to our next site. There is a smaller RH there. It was weird at this RH at the beginning because none of the team wanted to engage the girls there. I think it was because we were all emotionally drained and were afraid to be hurt again by having to leave so soon. But after awhile, we all warmed up with a long but well loved game of "Little Sally Walker." I'm still glad to be here though. It took some time for me to mentally agree to that but I finally have.

Day 6 at RH

7/17/10
Today was nuts. Legitimately. At first it started off great. We went on the bamboo train (A.K.A boom boom train according to Theara:)) And then back to the hotel before we took tuk-tuks though the city. We did the tuk-tuk thing and it was a ton of fun. But it wasn't until two and a half hours later that we realized someone was missing. My roommate and I forgot to get her before we left for the day. So we felt beyond awful. She was so upset when we got back and I felt like throwing up. We all talked, prayed, and cried a lot. It was really rough. But being honest about everything and all our feelings made it easier--not perfect but easier. Then we went to the small house near RH and prayed in a circle for the new mother and baby there. While we were praying, another girl on the team fainted. It was really scary because she didn't wake up for a long time. I almost thought she was dead. Something just happened but we didn't know what caused it. It felt like we had been spiritually attacked on all sides. 

Later tonight, after Malia and I talked, we led the group during debriefing time about admitting our struggles. We did this in small groups and it was really good because it was like the devil couldn't trick us any more about being the only one that felt left out, alone, or afraid. It was an encouraging night to a crazy day.

Day 5 at RH

7/16/10


This morning Kaitlyn did devos and did a wonderful job talking about God's Truth. Then I went to the regular English class but they were taking a test and I couldn't help. It was really hard not to do anything to help and I felt like a jerk but I guess they have to learn on their own someday. Then in the afternoon we had a three hour break and it was very much appreciated! We went back to Rapha then and some went to teach at the community classes while the rest of us did set up for the carnival. But before the carnival started Judi gave her testimony. It was a heartfelt story and I am thankful that she's grown from it. Although it was hard to listen to  because halfway through, my girl that I connected with yesterday ran up and squeezed me to death. She must have come in late because I had been watching for her and didn't see her. My heart bursted when she hugged me. She remembered me! And now I can't wait to see her tomorrow. We don't have that much time left and I want to spend more time with her. And find out her name! Cheese. Also, tonight I handed out most of the letters to the team and they were all really grateful and encouraging. It's crazy how God blesses you when you obey.

Day 4 of RH

7/15/10


Today nothing spectacular happened but that it was just good. This morning Jessica did staff devos and it was very well done and from the heart. Then I worked on English with my two girls again. So fun:) Afterwords, we had a talk as a group about what the needs are at Rapha. We split the list up and we'll all send in supplies soon. I am trying to get children's underwear (size medium or 10/12) --as much as possible-- and at least 100 travel size bottles of baby powder. Then later a few of us went back to the salon at the Freedom Foundation and I got my hair cut! It's pretty different but it's growing on me=) Then we went to community classes and I "taught" for a bit, which really means answered questions about myself and America. Then the Rapha girls came and I really connected with one girl. She has short cropped hair and plays football a lot. I can't remember her name but hopefully I'll receive the same reception tomorrow as I did today with her. The stinky thing about the whole day is that some bad sickness has been going around. Theara is VERY sick with a high fever. Others stayed back during either the afternoon or at night. God, I just want to pray away all sickness so that our purpose of the mission can be furthered.   

Day 3 at RH

7/14/10

God, You truly blessed my day today. This morning we had a great staff devo from Malia (my roomie!) and then I worked on English with the little girls for awhile. I didn't really do much with them except that I now know their names and can call them out and be personable with them all the time:)
I keep my eye on a young girl that is about a 7 or 8 year old spunky little booger. 
But I like her. 
Then later we went to a football (soccer) game but I never guessed what happened next. We were playing a team from South Korea  and they ended up being a group of missionary teenagers that sang wonderfully and did AMAZING skits and dances. I cannot tell you how much it ministered to me! I was near tears and I haven't felt like crying really since I got here. It was like the Spirit was so evident and God was completely revealing Himself to me. With how I've been struggling some the last few days, it literally blew my mind. And then I ended up giving my testimony to a group of the Korean girls and started choking up when I was talking. It was like as soon as I finally talked about why I had come here in the first place OUT LOUD, did so much come into perspective. I think I have the worst memory in the world! I am definitely as dumb as a sheep sometimes. 

Day 2 at RH

7/13/10

Today was kind of a full day and good things happened but oddly I feel pretty empty in regards to the day. We had our first staff devos and Ashley did a wonderful job. Then we had our official tour of RH and bought up ALL kinds of their goods:) That was exciting. Then later we went to the RH Freedom Foundation and had measurements for skirts and some in the group got their hair done. I had a nice chat with the director there. Next we had community classes and I just ended up answering questions about myself instead of teaching English to this boy. Nice conversation though. We walked over to RH next and had a testimony from Alyssa and then played games outside. I mostly ended up playing in the mud puddles with three young girls probably around 7 or 8 years old on the swings. It was wonderful and a lot of good laughs and giggles. But here is what I think has been bothering me all day. Not one girl has singled me out. Well maybe for 5 minutes but then they're off to the next big thing. I think it's because I'm selfish, I feel this  way. I'm selfish because I want them to love me and approach me and such. God please change my attitude. I guess I just wanted to feel special too. But I also know the enemy is feeding me lies about my self worth and they're not true.

First Day at RH

7/12/10

We had a five hour bumpy bus ride this morning. But after all the little things we did when we got here, we headed to Rapha House. There were squeals on the bus from my fellow teammates as we drove through the gate. It was raining, so we drove all the way and they greeted us on both sides, giving us flower wreaths. They were beautiful and smelled amazing. Then they did some old traditional khmer dances for us, we ate outside on the veranda, and then danced in mob like fashion the rest of the night. So intense and so unbelievable all at the same time. They are always so overjoyed to see you. And even when we left for the night I got tons of hugs from girls I hadn't even met yet. The girls are so willing to teach us and to learn from us as well. It's a beautiful sight. I don't feel an extreme connection to any girl in particular yet and and I wonder if I ever will. The old timers on my team say I will though. You know what's funny still, even after I've finally met them? I'm still afraid. When will fear ever leave me?!? I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, or even just miss huge opportunities. God please give my heart a rest. I trust these girls' lives are in Your hands and so I will trust mine is as well. To You be the glory.

Day 3

This morning we had church on Women's Island. It was glorious. All of us worshipping in two different languages. And then they gave us a tour of the island, its history with the genocide, and its bad state that it is in now. But the overwhelming part was Theara (our translator) and her family. They have done and are doing SO MUCH for these people (mostly women and children). They have such amazing visions for the future of the island. It's inspiring and I wish I could be a bigger part in it. Then later today we got to play with the kids again. The love they are so willing to give and accept makes my heart go wild with joy. I am totally in love with them. Funny thing. I never thought I would because I've always told people I don't like kids. And also we did a prayer walk around the neighborhood giving out bags of rice and praying over the families. There was intense poverty there. And in some cases it got to me. What they live in day in and day out is mind numbing. And maybe that's what was happening to me because beyond that I felt nothing. No complete heartbreak or anything. What's wrong with me? Do I even have a heart? My worst fear has come true--that I would not be sensitive to pain--that I would feel nothing...

First Full Day in Cambodia

7/10/10


Today consisted of going to the museum where the Khmer Rouge executed its people, going to the Russian market, getting our nails/hair done at a safe house of sorts, helping and playing with the kids at "Kids Club," and eating at our translator and her missionary family's home. The thing that literally killed me today though was outside the museum a crippled man and a man with a destroyed face kept asking for money. I decided not give anything but what gnawed at me was that he stood outside my window tapping and tapping. At that point I wasn't supposed to give him anything or he might storm the bus. So i just tried to ignore him. Now I can't get him out of my mind. It's like he's torturing me and I feel so guilty... 


The amazing part of the day was the kids. It's like they changed everything (well for me at least). As we were walking down the muddy alley to "Kids Club" this little boy ran all the way down, grabbed my hand and walked us there. My heart soared. I fell in love with him instantly. And then later a small girl wouldn't leave my side because all she wanted me to do was throw her into the air or hold her. Man was she a ball of energy! The girls at the nail and hair salon were great but they were very hard to communicate with. They didn't know much English. But the great thing was we could always smile and laugh and that was enough. What a blessing they were.

Flight to Hong Kong

07/08/10 and 07/09/10

Looooooooong day. 
It was pretty hard sleeping and I almost feel like I'm out of my mind. Is this jet lag? Eh. Well, it's what 14 hours in a plane does to you. But I met my team yesterday and they're great. I need to keep going over names though so I don't forget. The weird part is after spending the day together I've had to spend the rest by myself on an airplane. It will feel so good to see their faces again. Almost like being home, if that makes any sense. Still clueless to what these next two weeks will look like. But hey. That's the spot I wanted to be in right? Not in control. Not knowing. This is His trip. He'll take care of the details.

Flight to LA

07/07/10

So I'm sitting right now in the waiting area about an hour or more from my flight. The security check wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. I'm not as scared as I was before but it will be nice when I finally get this first flight under my belt. I still can't even believe  I'm here. It's like I've been talking about this day for so long that I never believed it would really happen. It's a pretty surreal moment. Thank you God for taking me this far and I know You're already going ahead--preparing--as well. I trust You, Abba. This is Your trip. May I just be a blessing to it and a willing pencil to write the grand story to come.