So today we talked more about recognizing God's voice and Jen (my DTS leader) had us do this little activity. She sent us to go be alone and ask God these two questions: who am I to YOU and who are YOU to me? So I pictured a place we could meet. I met the man called Jesus in a small rowboat in a pond. I asked Him the first question and He smiled with a twinkle in His eye. Slowly He responded with these three things: "You are a child I DELIGHT in, the plant I want to see grow and free, and the water/river that I want to shape and lead." So, then I asked Him the second question and He answered.
"Well, you tell me. Who am I to you? Who have I been to you in the past?"
And so I wrote down these names that He has been to me in the past:
The Lion
The Vulnerable
The Rescuer
My Lover
The Steadfast
The Mourner
The Sacrifice
The Farmer
The Healer
The Challenger
The Boy
Then He revealed these names that He said he would show Himself as in this season (probably more as well I'm guessing):
The Broken
The Surgeon
The Sculptor
The Restorer
With Him as the Broken He wants to show me His heart that breaks for the pain of all people and He wants me to share in His heart for them.
With Him as the Surgeon He will be cutting some things out of my life and heart and it will be pretty painful but its the best for me in the end.
With Him as the Sculptor, He will shape me into what He had created and designed me to be.
And with Him as the Restorer He will restore land, people, and hearts back to Him.
Today was our first day of worship and intercession. It was a little different for me and I felt awkward most of the time. But something a little crazy happened. First staff members, when led, were supposed to come to us students and pray over us or give us a word of the Lord. One lady came for me and it was a great prayer and I appreciated her stepping forward. But I still don't really remember what she was trying to tell me. Well, I thought I was done then, but then Micah came to me. She kept saying she wasn't sure if this fit me but she felt the Lord told her to tell me that I have the gift of touch. That I need to touch people and may have the gift of touching to heal. I was shocked. But here's what shocked me the most: not that I think I can heal physically, because I'm still not sure that's a gift he's given me but that I may be able to heal spiritually or emotionally with touch. This is all ironic and mind boggling because I'm afraid of touch. I DESIRE it so much to give to others but I've always struggled in this area. So what does it all mean?
Father, please make it clear in my mind what You are trying to reveal.
So for the first two days of my YWAM DTS(Discipleship Training School) we went to Denver to the 50th Anniversary of YWAM with Darlene and Loren Cunningham (the founders of YWAM) as our speakers. It was so wonderful to start out our DTS this way because I feel like it prepared us even more for what has happened so far and what is still to come.
Here's what I felt Gd was speaking to me and convicting:
two things I really want to learn or grow from this DTS is Obedience and to grow my Faith. Also, I felt very convicted that I have become very proud and "God opposes the proud (James 4:6)." Maybe that's another reason I've felt like my spiritual relationship has been suffering. I keep praying for humbleness and to be humbled but I don't know how to act on it. Or what if God presents opportunities for me to be humbled and I don't hear it or listen? I feel like I'm such a slow learner too, even in life. Also, with the pride thing, I felt Him saying that I'm not special. Now I know that sounds terrible but its really not. What I mean is that I always wanted to feel special and noticed by others. For example: being noticed for having a heart and passion for sex trafficking victims. Well, here's the thing. There are TONS of people that have been led to work in this area. For some reason I hate knowing that though. But really, its perfect because trafficking is such a problem that God will be able to use as many workers that are willing. I just have my little part to play in it all. But in the end isn't that just wonderful? I mean, knowing and believing that concept means that you have truly grasped the Kingdom.
7/22/10
My flight has been delayed an hour now and I'm still in Phoenix. I can barely keep my eyes open--I've only slept probably six hours in the last 48 hours. But I need to stay awake now so I don't miss my flight. God is so good to me. He blessed me again with having Kaitlyn fly halfway with me. It's been really good with her today because we've gotten to know each other more. She's a lot of fun to be around and she made me feel WAY comfortable today at the airport. But I just wish I could be home. I go back and forth: two weeks is really not that long to not see someone but I still missed the family a lot. Oh if only time could go any faster!
7/21/10
Lots of thoughts are running through my head. It's like I can't wait to get home but I'm already in a state of mourning, leaving here. I just wish I could be alone to cry. I need to let all this pent up emotion out. I almost lost it a couple of minutes ago here in the airport but I tried to hold back. Also, lots of thoughts about my long term future keep bogging my mind. Where are you taking me Lord? This was my first international missions trip and I absolutely love this place! But it was also the same feeling last summer during a missions trip in Canada. Except this one is more intense. Anyway, it makes me wonder if I'll always love these different places around the world. Is this a confirmation that I'm to do missions?
God are you fulfilling my dream of working with youth AND missions? Or is this my own desire getting in the way again? I am so curious to see where You will be leading me in the future. If I'll ever get married or if I do full time ministry, ALL the time. Personally, I'm for either one. But I'm glad You know, Lord, what will happen. I don't know what's up with me and all these questions. I guess the ledge I'm jumping off of is just getting closer and closer...
7/20/10
Traveling. That pretty much sums up the entire day. We traveled again by bus back to our original city that we first flew into. It was a six hour bus ride but it was good. I LOVE traveling in a moving vehicle. I tend to talk to God there more than anywhere else. So I listened to some great worship music and also I've been reading this really interesting book about hearing the voice of God. I'm really interested and excited to see what YWAM will teach me in this area.
Side note and funny moment of the day: sitting in the back of the bus, I escaped death by an avalanche of suitcases. Too funny!
Also, tonight we had a very good long debriefing session that helped us process some more and be honest about struggles still going on or triumphs of the heart. Also, we went around the room saying five good things or memories of each person on the team. I think it brought us all closer again.
One question Mike asked us to journal about though was one of the hardest things we went through on this trip. I would have to say mine is something I am still struggling with thoughts about. I never really connected with any specific girl at RH. I met lots of different girls everyday and talked to some but I always ended up being alone every night when we said goodbye. I didn't leave any lasting impressions at RH and that really kills me. I mean there's my one girl who I love and think about a ton but I know she wasn't that attached to me. It's like I try to make up in my head that she really did love me back and that she'll think about me a lot too but I don't really know that this will happen. There's a chance because I gave her a picture of me when she asked for it and I wrote her note. But in some ways it breaks my heart to think that I didn't do anything at RH. Now the question is, is that a legitimate response to not being close to the girls or is this the enemy's lie? Right now I'm not sure if I know the difference...
The Vulnerable
